Humour

GROVE JOKES, QUOTES and STRANGE BUT TRUE

  • It’s easy finding reasons why other folks should be patient.
  • Families are like fudge – mostly sweet with a few nuts.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.
  • I sat up all night thinking about the sun. Then it dawned on me.

DRIVING ME CRAZY

“The car won’t start,” said a wife to her husband. “I think there’s water in the carburettor.”

“How do you know?” said the husband scornfully. “You don’t even know what the carburettor is.”

“I’m telling you,” repeated the wife, “I’m sure there’s water in the carburettor.”

“We’ll see,” mocked the husband. “Let me check it out. Where’s the car?”

“In the swimming pool.”

TEARS AND SMILES

During a wedding reception the mother of the bride managed to keep from crying until she glanced at the grandparents.

The grandmother had reached over to the grandfather’s wheelchair and gently touched his hand.

That was all it took to start the mother’s tears flowing.

After the wedding, she went over to the grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.

“Well, I’m sorry to ruin your moment,” Grandmother replied, “but I was just checking to see if he was still alive.”

MURPHY’S LAWS OF WORK

  • Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous.’
  • To err is human; to forgive is not company policy.
  • Important documents that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
  • There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
  • If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
  • If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  • The authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens he/she is carrying.
  • No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
  • The longer the title, the less important the job.
  • Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

Success is only a matter of luck; just ask any failure.

In Brief

  • On a job application form, an applicant was asked to “Briefly describe yourself.” She responded, “Concise.” She got the job.
  • So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
  • I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
  • So I said “Do you want a game of Darts?”, he said “OK then”, I said “Nearest to bull starts”. He said “Baa”, I said “Moo”, he said “You’re closest”.
  • You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
  • The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said “Did you get my drift?”.
  • So I went down the local supermarket, I said “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said “Those are pickled onions”.
  • I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought “he’s trying to pull a fast one”.
  • But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
  • So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.
  • But I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite…one jar.
  • You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.
  • So I rang up BT, I said “I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said “Not you again”.

Thumbs Up

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.”

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The 4-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, “Uh-oh…I know what *you’ve* been doing.”

Back to School

Daily Homework Policy

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night: this time should be budgeted in the following manner:

  • 15 minutes looking for assignment
  • 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment
  • 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like students
  • 8 minutes in the bathroom
  • 10 minutes getting a snack
  • 7 minutes checking their Facebook status
  • 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment
  • 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mum or Dad to do the assignment

 

Long Term Homework Policy

  • These assignments are given the night before they are due. This explains the name “long term.”
  • It is a long term commitment to the time it takes to finish it, which usually begins at 9.30pm and ends at 11.50pm…or later.
  • It is important that the whole family is involved in the project.
  • It is imperative that at least one family member races to the shops for stationery supplies, and that at least one family member ends up in tears (does not have to be the student).
  • One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. The other parent needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.
  • It is not necessary to have the student’s name on the assignment.

A-POLITICAL APHORISMS 

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. (Henry Cate, VII)

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. (Aesop)

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even where there is no river. (Nikita Khrushchev)

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. (Author unknown)

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. (John Quinton)

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. (Tex Guinan)

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. (Charles de Gaulle)

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. (Doug Larson)

Gastropoda

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. In fact it made him more sluggish.

School Photograph

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, “There‘s Jennifer, she‘s a lawyer,” or “That‘s Michael, He‘s a doctor.”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there‘s the teacher, she‘s dead.’

Best Jokes 2014

‘I’ve decided to sell my hoover…well, it was just collecting dust.’—Tim Vine

‘I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set.’—Masai Graham

‘Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.’—Mark Watson

‘I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn’t work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s.’—Bec Hill

‘I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.’— Ria Lina

‘Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.’—Paul F Taylor

‘Scotland had oil, but it’s running out thanks to all that deep frying.’—Scott Capurro

‘I’ve been married for 10 years, I haven’t made a decision for seven.’—Jason Cook

‘This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.’—Felicity Ward

‘I go to the kebab shop so much that when they call me boss in there it’s less a term of affection, more an economic reality.’—Ed Gamble

‘Leadership looks fun, but it’s stressful. Just look at someone leading a conga.’—James Acaster

‘I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.’—Sara Pascoe

‘My mate sat on my pumpkin. He butternut squash it.’—Leo Kearse

‘I had a friend call Iain. Two ‘i’s…to go with the face.’—John Kearns

‘I’m lazy—my childhood ambition was to be an injured footballer.’—Mike Shephard

‘This vodka is drunk by the rapper Sean Combs. P Diddy? Only when he drank a whole bottle.’—Ben McFarland and Tom Sandham

‘I tried to Google endangered species. They were hard to find.’—Suns of Fred

‘I’d like to start with the chimney jokes—I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.’—Tim Vine

  • A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.
  • A smart man only believes half of what he hears. A wise man knows which half.
  • “It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity”. (Dave Barry 1947-)

DOCTOR, DOCTOR…

A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Then eat regularly again for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.”

When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!

“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The man nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.”

“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from the skipping.”

AMPHIBIOUS INVASION

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, “What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?”

Expecting to see “the D-Day invasion” as the answer, I found instead on one paper, “Moses and the plague of frogs.”

‘TWAS ON A SUNDAY MORNING

A man who hadn’t attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.

The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, “How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!”

“Well, Preacher,” said the fisherman, “Quite honestly, it’s a matter of choice. I’d much rather hear your sermon than hers.”

  • It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
  • If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
  • The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

MATHS CHALLENGE A teacher posed the following problem to her arithmetic class:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.  One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.  Now, what does each get?”

The classroom fell silent for a moment, and then an earnest young voice piped up: “A lawyer!”

DRIVING GENIUS

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.

Please be careful!”

“Honey,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car…It’s hundreds of  them!”

AN AMERICAN IN PARIS

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime yet make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

 

Advertisements